The Retard
12-12-2005, 09:08 PM
Bush offers tips for maintaining presidential warmth (http://www.stargazettenews.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20051211/COLUMNIST20/512110307)
"Hello America. As we fight a war abroad, we're also fighting a war here at home. It's a battle against high energy costs, and one that requires many of us to make the ultimate sacrifice for our country - turn our thermostats down to 68.
"We, here at the White House, are making sacrifices. I've ordered my staff to shut down four of the fireplaces and use only three of the boilers.
"Air Force One is flying on one engine and I've reduced the presidential motorcade to 16 vehicles (not including air support).
"I'm asking you Americans to do your part. Begin by getting a home energy audit. Listen to the auditor's advice and then ignore it, because it's too expensive or a pain to do.
"But it's not difficult to lower your thermostat. Move in down by the baseboards, where you won't be so apt to bend over to turn up the heat.
"Be sure your home is properly insulated. Use insulation with a pH factor of 13 or more. Insulate your attic. If it's already insulated, add more. If you don't have an attic, build one, then insulate the heck out of it.
"Be sure to weatherize your home. Fill holes, cracks and spaces where cold air can enter. Fill large holes with members of the wussy liberal mainstream media.
"Be sure to replace your furnace filters every month and have your heating system serviced semiannually ... or is it 'biannually.' Maybe it's 'bisexually.' It's the one that means 'every two years.'
"Replace inefficient appliances with newer and bigger ones that are Energy Star rated.
"Wrap your water heater in a jacket. We insulate the White House water heaters with my wife's fur coats and the fighter pilot jacket I received when I landed on that cool aircraft carrier.
"You can save money by turning off unneeded lights. Your federal government is saving millions of dollars by not fully restoring electricity to hurricane-stripped Louisiana.
"I'm granting a presidential pardon to lights for Christmas trees - and anything to do with Hanukkah, Kwanzaa and the Muslim Eid-al-Adha.
"But after the holidays, replace all energy-inefficient incarnation bulbs with compact fluorescent bulbs.
"You can cut your electric light use in half if you remove ALL bulbs from your light fixtures. Have housekeeping do it so you don't have to climb dangerous ladders.
"Turn off TVs when not in use, or when Jon Stewart or the Daily Show are on.
Cut down all trees around your home and neighborhood, as they block the sun's warming rays.
"Finally, the best way to reduce your energy costs is to be a major shareholder in Halliburton.
"Or have Dick Cheney as your VP.
"Happy holidays."
"Hello America. As we fight a war abroad, we're also fighting a war here at home. It's a battle against high energy costs, and one that requires many of us to make the ultimate sacrifice for our country - turn our thermostats down to 68.
"We, here at the White House, are making sacrifices. I've ordered my staff to shut down four of the fireplaces and use only three of the boilers.
"Air Force One is flying on one engine and I've reduced the presidential motorcade to 16 vehicles (not including air support).
"I'm asking you Americans to do your part. Begin by getting a home energy audit. Listen to the auditor's advice and then ignore it, because it's too expensive or a pain to do.
"But it's not difficult to lower your thermostat. Move in down by the baseboards, where you won't be so apt to bend over to turn up the heat.
"Be sure your home is properly insulated. Use insulation with a pH factor of 13 or more. Insulate your attic. If it's already insulated, add more. If you don't have an attic, build one, then insulate the heck out of it.
"Be sure to weatherize your home. Fill holes, cracks and spaces where cold air can enter. Fill large holes with members of the wussy liberal mainstream media.
"Be sure to replace your furnace filters every month and have your heating system serviced semiannually ... or is it 'biannually.' Maybe it's 'bisexually.' It's the one that means 'every two years.'
"Replace inefficient appliances with newer and bigger ones that are Energy Star rated.
"Wrap your water heater in a jacket. We insulate the White House water heaters with my wife's fur coats and the fighter pilot jacket I received when I landed on that cool aircraft carrier.
"You can save money by turning off unneeded lights. Your federal government is saving millions of dollars by not fully restoring electricity to hurricane-stripped Louisiana.
"I'm granting a presidential pardon to lights for Christmas trees - and anything to do with Hanukkah, Kwanzaa and the Muslim Eid-al-Adha.
"But after the holidays, replace all energy-inefficient incarnation bulbs with compact fluorescent bulbs.
"You can cut your electric light use in half if you remove ALL bulbs from your light fixtures. Have housekeeping do it so you don't have to climb dangerous ladders.
"Turn off TVs when not in use, or when Jon Stewart or the Daily Show are on.
Cut down all trees around your home and neighborhood, as they block the sun's warming rays.
"Finally, the best way to reduce your energy costs is to be a major shareholder in Halliburton.
"Or have Dick Cheney as your VP.
"Happy holidays."