Mayor wants to ban death

[Felix the Cat]

Mayor wants to ban death (http://www.ananova.com/news/story/sm_1641442.html?menu=news.quirkies)

The mayor of a Brazilian town is trying to bring in a law making it illegal for residents to die.

Mayor Roberto Pereira da Silva, of Biritiba-Mirim, came up with the idea because the town's only cemetery is full.

He wants to bring in a law that would see relatives of people who die before their time face fines or even jail.

The law would make it an offence for the town's 28,000 citizens to not look after their health properly.

Mayor Pereira da Silva said there was no way of expending the cemetery or building a new one, reports Agora Sao Paulo.

He said: "Eighty nine per cent of the town is rivers, the rest is protected because it is tropical jungle."

The state government had promised to help build a new vertical cemetery - but nothing had been done.

Gym memberships have reportedly shot up since the mayor announced his plans, and more people are visiting doctors.

[Starr]

So what if you get murdered(not unlikely in that turd-world shithole) or die in a car accident?

[Jimbo Gomez]

You should have defended yourself and have worn your seatbelt then.

[jcs]

Solution: cremation.

[Blaphbee]

Israeli scientist invents cure for death

January 31, 2005
El-Shaddai News Services

GAZA CITY, ISRAEL (ESNS) - The remarkable announcement was made
today that yet again, modern science has triumphed over nature, and
this time conquering an age-old fear: Israeli National University
scientist Haim Vorenberg has invented a cure for death. The cure,
administered through a machine in which the user sits, makes use of
a new subatomic particle discovered by Vorenberg, the vader.

"Vaders are the complement to free radical particles, which occur
naturally in our flesh through the process of aging, as we become
older and get closer to death, which reduces us to dust and ruins
all we have done," he said in a thick German accent. "What our
machine does is to replace free radicals with vaders, so forever we
are free from the curse -- of death!"

Vorenberg previously worked on missile design systems and was
responsible for the remarkable Israeli "Tikkun Olam" missile, which
during the first Iraq war shot down one Scud, four Piper Cubs and
uncountable pigeons brainwashed in the suicidal death religion of
Islam. His list of accomplishments is long, including honorable
service in the US Army Intelligence division before the Tet
Offensive, Director of Safety Regulations at Three Mile Island, and
Environmental Regulator at Love Canal.

"The machine is very fragile, very expensive," said Vorenberg. "It
requires rare materials, like South African diamonds and white
Russian gold," he said.

Interviewed in the Vatican, Pope John Paul II expressed solidarity
with Vorenberg. "This ingenious man of God has invented the ultimate
fulfillment of man's dominion over nature," said the Pope.
"Blessings upon him and his kin, who are blessed in the eye of God,
who up till now alone has held back death."

The machine was demonstrated on dissident Eli Al-Rafal, who shouted
"Free Palestine!" before being strapped into the apparatus, at which
point the heavy door lined in lead and gold was closed upon him.
"Notice how we convey the blessing of Immortality on even our
enemies," said Israeli government press officer Christian Horowitz.
"Our God, who we share with Christians, is indeed merciful even to
His worst enemies."

After humming for several minutes, the machine began making cyclic
static discharge sounds. Vorenberg quickly adjusted a dial on a
console that looked suspiciously like one borrowed from a US-made
F-16 fighter. "We are now aligning the positrons and neutrons and,
ah, magic particles in his body," said Vorenberg. "Soon the free
radicals will be gone, and he will be free from death forever."

With an immense electric crackling roar, the machine fully energized
and lit the room with an incomparable glow, leaving a faint odor of
ozone and hair standing on end for the straight-haired among the
observers. Vorenberg, his curly mop untouched, turned back the
machine. "Success!" he said. "Another soul saved, and nature's vile
death is removed, thus zee triumph of mankind is assured."

When he opened the machine, however, Al-Rafal had vanished, leaving
behind a single red rose.

[Felix the Cat]

Solution: cremation.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I don't think Catholics approve of cremation

[Ambrosio Spinola]

Or maybe one large mass grave with lime for the already resting there. I bet that would make some space. Or dump them into the rivers like those primitive Indians do in the Ganges.

[jcs]

Correct me if I'm wrong, but I don't think Catholics approve of cremation
That's because of a silly misinterpretation of the concept of resurrection, which amounts basically to nothing more than superstition.

[daisy]

correct me if i'm wrong, but i don't think catholics approve of cremationthat gives me an incentive! supply and demand.
lands that would not pert for cemetery plots?
be of good cheer, we will not desert you.