ironweed
12-28-2005, 11:16 AM
Interfaith Families Blend Holiday Traditions
By FRANCES GRANDY TAYLOR
Courant Staff Writer
December 24 2005
The 12 days of Christmas and the eight days of Hanukkah frequently overlap, but the last time Christmas and the first night of Hanukkah fell on the same day was in 1959 - and it won't happen again until 2016.
The confluence of the holidays Sunday heightens the "December dilemma" that many interfaith families face.
"Jews often feel guilty about celebrating Christmas," said Nancy Lichtenberg, a therapist with Jewish Family Services in West Hartford. "They often feel they are betraying their heritage if they participate."
Lichtenberg, who counsels interfaith couples, said the December holidays can provoke unexpectedly deep emotions for Christian and Jewish partners.
The non-Jewish spouse may still feel the pull of Christmas traditions even though he or she is comfortable celebrating Jewish holidays the rest of the year, Lichtenberg said.
"Christians who are asked by their Jewish spouses to give up Christmas often feel deprived if they can't have a Christmas tree and other things they loved about the holiday as children, and they struggle to understand why their customs feel so threatening to their partner."
But some interfaith couples revel in celebrating both holidays.
At the home of Ken and Barbara Coscia of Farmington, a gold ceramic dreidel hangs from a branch on the Christmas tree. Red-and-green holiday stockings dangle from the fireplace mantel, and a menorah sits on the piano.
The Coscias say they have settled the issue in their own way, by raising their children with the values and traditions of both faiths, though not necessarily the doctrines.
"We have never chosen a religion - we appreciate the traditions of both of our religions," said Barbara Coscia, 52, who is Jewish. "For us, belief in God is what is important - we didn't feel we had to choose a religion to impart those values to our children."
During this year's Christmas/Hanukkah season, the Coscias planned to open gifts on Christmas Eve, visit friends and family, and light candles on the menorah during the remaining days of Hanukkah.
Their daughter Alana, 13, seems at ease with both Christian and Jewish traditions. She said that when she is asked whether she considers herself Christian or Jewish, "I say I am both."
The Coscias, married for 27 years, also have two grown sons who were raised the same way. The couple said they do not attend church or synagogue, but observe their respective faiths in their home and with family.
"We celebrate all the holidays out of respect for the elders in our lives," said Ken Coscia, 54. "We brought the children up with the belief in the Golden Rule, and all that that stands for, and to believe in God, something more than ourselves."
A survey conducted in October by a website aimed at Jews in interfaith relationships found that 80 percent of interfaith couples are raising their children as Jews. Seventy percent of the 395 people who responded to the survey by InterfaithFamily.com said they planned to decorate a Christmas tree at home.
Two-thirds of those surveyed said the fact that Christmas and Hanukkah fall on the same day this year would not change how they observe either holiday.
Among those who did say it would make a difference, some said they would light a menorah at their non-Jewish relatives' homes on Christmas night. Others said they would have the traditional potato latkes of Hanukkah with their Christmas dinner.
And some said they would shorten their Christmas celebration to end before sunset, when Hanukkah celebrations begin. Others said they would start Hanukkah celebrations a day late.
Children are one of the major reasons unexpected holiday conflicts can arise for interfaith couples. Lichtenberg said the commercial aspects of Christmas are a powerful draw for children.
"Children being raised as both Jewish and Christian may prefer Christmas, and those being raised Jewish may complain if they can't have a Christmas tree or decorations or presents," she said.
But, she added, "If their children are being raised as Jewish, the parent worries they can become confused if they allow a Christmas tree or other traditional symbols in the home."
Alan Rosenberg of Simsbury said he discussed the issue with his wife, Barbara, who was raised Catholic, while they were still dating. They agreed that any children they might have would be raised as Jews.
"I said, `I don't need you to convert, but I want any children we have to be raised Jewish,'" Rosenberg said. He said he would have felt unable to marry her without that understanding.
This year, as in past holiday seasons, the couple's two young children will visit Barbara Rosenberg's parents for Christmas dinner, and receive holiday gifts from their grandparents. As she does every year, Barbara said she will make potato latkes when Alan's siblings and their children come to visit them in Simsbury during Hanukkah.
"Our kids get presents over eight nights, and though we don't have a Christmas tree in our house, they decorate the tree at my parents' house and they get gifts there," Barbara Rosenberg said.
Justine Fallon, 34, a West Hartford resident, said having the two holidays fall on the same day may make things easier, rather than harder, for her family, because it means they will be in the holiday mode along with everyone else.
Fallon, who was raised Catholic, and her husband, Robert Bell, are raising their two children as Jewish.
"Before we got married, he said, `I can't marry you if you're going to want to do the whole Christmas tree thing,'`` Fallon said.
This year, she said, "the kids will be out of school, getting presents and visiting family that whole week, which is not usually the case," because Hanukkah sometimes falls before schools start their vacation breaks.
Having a number of friends who are also interfaith couples makes things easier, Fallon added.
"We don't have a tree, but [my husband is] fine with going to my family's house to celebrate with dinner and decorate the tree at my sister's house."
Fallon said her children, 5 and 6, understand that they are Jewish, and that's why Santa doesn't come to their house.
"Sometimes it's hard for me to realize that my kids won't have the experiences that I did," she said, "but they will still have holiday memories, and it's all good."
Caption to Photo:
From left to right Ken, Barbara and Alana Coscia in the living room of their Farmington home. Ken is Christian, Barbara is Jewish. This year the eight days of Hanukkah start Sunday evening, the same day as Christmas.
(MARK MIRKO)
By FRANCES GRANDY TAYLOR
Courant Staff Writer
December 24 2005
The 12 days of Christmas and the eight days of Hanukkah frequently overlap, but the last time Christmas and the first night of Hanukkah fell on the same day was in 1959 - and it won't happen again until 2016.
The confluence of the holidays Sunday heightens the "December dilemma" that many interfaith families face.
"Jews often feel guilty about celebrating Christmas," said Nancy Lichtenberg, a therapist with Jewish Family Services in West Hartford. "They often feel they are betraying their heritage if they participate."
Lichtenberg, who counsels interfaith couples, said the December holidays can provoke unexpectedly deep emotions for Christian and Jewish partners.
The non-Jewish spouse may still feel the pull of Christmas traditions even though he or she is comfortable celebrating Jewish holidays the rest of the year, Lichtenberg said.
"Christians who are asked by their Jewish spouses to give up Christmas often feel deprived if they can't have a Christmas tree and other things they loved about the holiday as children, and they struggle to understand why their customs feel so threatening to their partner."
But some interfaith couples revel in celebrating both holidays.
At the home of Ken and Barbara Coscia of Farmington, a gold ceramic dreidel hangs from a branch on the Christmas tree. Red-and-green holiday stockings dangle from the fireplace mantel, and a menorah sits on the piano.
The Coscias say they have settled the issue in their own way, by raising their children with the values and traditions of both faiths, though not necessarily the doctrines.
"We have never chosen a religion - we appreciate the traditions of both of our religions," said Barbara Coscia, 52, who is Jewish. "For us, belief in God is what is important - we didn't feel we had to choose a religion to impart those values to our children."
During this year's Christmas/Hanukkah season, the Coscias planned to open gifts on Christmas Eve, visit friends and family, and light candles on the menorah during the remaining days of Hanukkah.
Their daughter Alana, 13, seems at ease with both Christian and Jewish traditions. She said that when she is asked whether she considers herself Christian or Jewish, "I say I am both."
The Coscias, married for 27 years, also have two grown sons who were raised the same way. The couple said they do not attend church or synagogue, but observe their respective faiths in their home and with family.
"We celebrate all the holidays out of respect for the elders in our lives," said Ken Coscia, 54. "We brought the children up with the belief in the Golden Rule, and all that that stands for, and to believe in God, something more than ourselves."
A survey conducted in October by a website aimed at Jews in interfaith relationships found that 80 percent of interfaith couples are raising their children as Jews. Seventy percent of the 395 people who responded to the survey by InterfaithFamily.com said they planned to decorate a Christmas tree at home.
Two-thirds of those surveyed said the fact that Christmas and Hanukkah fall on the same day this year would not change how they observe either holiday.
Among those who did say it would make a difference, some said they would light a menorah at their non-Jewish relatives' homes on Christmas night. Others said they would have the traditional potato latkes of Hanukkah with their Christmas dinner.
And some said they would shorten their Christmas celebration to end before sunset, when Hanukkah celebrations begin. Others said they would start Hanukkah celebrations a day late.
Children are one of the major reasons unexpected holiday conflicts can arise for interfaith couples. Lichtenberg said the commercial aspects of Christmas are a powerful draw for children.
"Children being raised as both Jewish and Christian may prefer Christmas, and those being raised Jewish may complain if they can't have a Christmas tree or decorations or presents," she said.
But, she added, "If their children are being raised as Jewish, the parent worries they can become confused if they allow a Christmas tree or other traditional symbols in the home."
Alan Rosenberg of Simsbury said he discussed the issue with his wife, Barbara, who was raised Catholic, while they were still dating. They agreed that any children they might have would be raised as Jews.
"I said, `I don't need you to convert, but I want any children we have to be raised Jewish,'" Rosenberg said. He said he would have felt unable to marry her without that understanding.
This year, as in past holiday seasons, the couple's two young children will visit Barbara Rosenberg's parents for Christmas dinner, and receive holiday gifts from their grandparents. As she does every year, Barbara said she will make potato latkes when Alan's siblings and their children come to visit them in Simsbury during Hanukkah.
"Our kids get presents over eight nights, and though we don't have a Christmas tree in our house, they decorate the tree at my parents' house and they get gifts there," Barbara Rosenberg said.
Justine Fallon, 34, a West Hartford resident, said having the two holidays fall on the same day may make things easier, rather than harder, for her family, because it means they will be in the holiday mode along with everyone else.
Fallon, who was raised Catholic, and her husband, Robert Bell, are raising their two children as Jewish.
"Before we got married, he said, `I can't marry you if you're going to want to do the whole Christmas tree thing,'`` Fallon said.
This year, she said, "the kids will be out of school, getting presents and visiting family that whole week, which is not usually the case," because Hanukkah sometimes falls before schools start their vacation breaks.
Having a number of friends who are also interfaith couples makes things easier, Fallon added.
"We don't have a tree, but [my husband is] fine with going to my family's house to celebrate with dinner and decorate the tree at my sister's house."
Fallon said her children, 5 and 6, understand that they are Jewish, and that's why Santa doesn't come to their house.
"Sometimes it's hard for me to realize that my kids won't have the experiences that I did," she said, "but they will still have holiday memories, and it's all good."
Caption to Photo:
From left to right Ken, Barbara and Alana Coscia in the living room of their Farmington home. Ken is Christian, Barbara is Jewish. This year the eight days of Hanukkah start Sunday evening, the same day as Christmas.
(MARK MIRKO)