Circle Gets the Square!

[il ragno]

Sure, I posted this before, at the old Phora-in-Exile. (Good luck accessing the original URL, by the way.) I don't feel a bit of remorse for recycling it, either. Fuck Niccolo, and fuck his fake dead Donkey.

The following great one-liners all first appeared on the old, classic (as opposed to revamped/revised/revived) HOLLYWOOD SQUARES show and all of them - plus everything else you ever wanted to know about a fairly cheesy and ridiculous game show - were gleaned from

www.classicsquares.com/

I'll say this though. These one-liners are great...Paul Lynde was the funniest man ever to wear a blouse in public (he apparently crafted all of his own responses, as did Gobel and Rose Marie).....and quite a few of these could never be uttered on network tv today. Enjoy.


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Peter Marshall: Paul, at the end of the movie Planet of the Apes, what does Charlton Heston see that makes him realize that he is actually in New York City?
Paul Lynde: A Puerto Rican.

Peter Marshall: Paul, in the early days of Hollywood, who was usually found atop Tony, the Wonder Horse?
Paul Lynde: My Friend Flicka.

Peter Marshall: Every night before he went to bed, George Washington would always put his false teeth into something. What?
Charley Weaver: Martha!

Peter Marshall: The Atlantic Ocean is the major body of water on Africa’s west coast. What major body lies off Africa’s east coast?
Paul Lynde: Ex-president Mobutu.

Peter Marshall: Glen Campbell recently stated, “Love to me is something you ..." Something you what?
Paul Lynde: Purchase.

Peter Marshall: Eddie Fisher recently stated, “I’m sorry. I’m sorry for them both.” Who or what was he referring to?
Paul Lynde: His fans.

Peter Marshall: You are leaving Hawaii by boat. Legend says that you'll return if you do something. Do what?
Paul Lynde: Have Don Ho's baby.

Peter Marshall: Paul, why are forest rangers in remote locations ordering goats as standard equipment?
Paul Lynde: Because the sheep are wising up?

Peter Marshall: Flip Wilson has said that he's eaten about 2,000 of them and enjoyed them immensely. To what was he referring?
Paul Lynde: Missionaries.

Peter Marshall: When you pat a dog on its head he will usually wag his tail. What will a goose do?
Paul Lynde: Make him bark.

Peter Marshall: True or false...in Egypt, they grow a special kind of cotton that is multi-colored.
Paul Lynde: And white people have to pick it!

Peter Marshall: Paul, when the citizens of China want a drink of water, they usually do something to it first. What?
Paul Lynde: Remove the shirts.

Peter Marshall: True or false...a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
George Gobel: Boy it sure seems that way sometimes...

Peter Marshall: True or false. Ari Onassis gave Jackie $5 million worth of jewelry in their first year of marriage alone?
Paul Lynde: And it didn’t cure her headache.

Peter Marshall: Who are more likely to be romantically responsive. Women under thirty or women over thirty?
Paul Lynde: I don’t have a third choice…?

Peter Marshall: What are "Do It", "I Can Help" and "Can't Get Enough"?
George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.

Peter Marshall: After Phyllis Diller’s recent facelift, she received thousands of letters, mostly asking three questions: did it hurt? How much did it cost? And one other...what?
Paul Lynde: Do your eyes close when you sit down?

Peter Marshall: Demond, as you get older, does your skin get lighter or darker?
Demond Wilson: Awwww, man....(gets up and walks out)
Peter Marshall: Demond! Come back, we need you!

Peter Marshall: Is Billy Graham considered a good dresser?
Paul Lynde: No, but he's a terrific end table.

Peter Marshall: Where does most of the olive oil in the world come from?
Paul Lynde: Cesar Romero’s comb.

Peter Marshall: Paul, according to the World Book Encylopedia, what is the main reason dogs pant?
Paul Lynde: Because they can’t talk dirty.

Peter Marshall: According to police, if you are being molested, other than yelling "Help!" what is the best thing to scream?
Rose Marie (clapping): "More!"

Peter Marshall: Pride, anger, covetousness, lust, gluttony, envy, and sloth are collectively known as what?
Paul Lynde: The Bill of Rights.

Peter Marshall: True or false...most personal physical attacks are never reported to police.
Rose Marie: I just put them in my diary.

Peter Marshall: Charlie, what is the Japanese word that means "the Gentle Road to Happiness"?
Charlie Callas (in stereotypical Japanese accent): Aaaaaahhhh...da jenta road of hoppiness...I woll say eet's sayanara.

Peter Marshall: According to Apartment Life magazine, can you tell anything significant about the personality of a person whose apartment has brown carpeting, brown furniture and brown walls?
Paul Lynde: Yes, their maid just exploded.

Peter Marshall: True or false, Paul Revere had 16 children?
Paul Lynde: From ONE midnight ride?!

Peter Marshall: Charley, what do you call a pig that weighs more than 150 pounds?
Charley Weaver: A divorcee.

Peter Marshall: Fidel Castro recently gave Yugoslavia’s Marshall Tito a gift. What was it?
Paul Lynde: A cheap, hand–painted tie.

Peter Marshall: True or false. In Athens recently they discovered sketches of the great philosopher Socrates, revealing that he bore a striking resemblance to Paul Newman?
Paul Lynde: But he walked like Joanne!

Peter Marshall: True or false, Guatemala once declared war on Germany.
Paul Lynde: And it's a good thing Germany never found out!

Peter Marshall: True or false -- as you get older, your skin becomes more transparent.
Charley Weaver: In the x-ray room at the home, they just hold us up to a light bulb.

Peter Marshall: According to Shakespeare, what acquaints a man with strange bedfellows?
George Gobel: The tall dude in the purple hat.

Peter Marshall: If the right part comes along, will George C. Scott do a nude scene?
Paul Lynde: You mean he doesn't have the right part?

Peter Marshall: In "Alice in Wonderland", who kept crying "I'm late, I'm late?"
Paul Lynde: Alice, and her mother is sick about it.

Peter Marshall: True or false...there's no more nutritional value in watermelon than--
Demond Wilson: That's it! (Gets up and walks out of square)
Peter Marshall: Demond! Come back!
Demond Wilson: I don't have to get insulted like this you know, I'm in the number two show here!

Peter Marshall: What did the Lone Ranger always leave behind when he left town?
Paul Lynde: A masked baby.

Peter Marshall: True or false...NASA officials report that when Chinese vice-premier Dang visited the astronaut training headquarters recently, the one big question he demanded to know was...where the astronauts go to the bathroom?!
Paul Lynde: Over China.

Peter Marshall: You have some lipstick on your collar. Will treating it with petroleum jelly help?
George Gobel: I'm gonna have a hard enough time explaining the lipstick!

Peter Marshall: Now listen carefully, Paul...during the time of the hula hoop, the yo-yo, and Davy Crockett hats, who was in the White House?
Paul Lynde: I'll say the yo-yo.

Peter Marshall: Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
Paul Lynde: Chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Peter Marshall: True or false...research indicates that Columbus liked to wear bloomers and long stockings.
Paul Lynde: It's not easy to sign a crew up for six months...

Peter Marshall: Paul, where at any one time will you find one quarter of the earth's population?
Paul Lynde: Crossing the Rio Grande.

Peter Marshall: World Heavyweight Champion Muhammad Ali recently visited the White House, and he told President Ford, "You made a big mistake in letting me come here because now I'm coming after your..." What?
Paul Lynde: “Daughter”.

Peter Marshall: According to Parade magazine, on what night of the week is a woman most likely to be molested?
Rose Marie: With my luck it's tonight and I'm working...

Peter Marshall: Famed Doctor Theodore Rubin was asked recently, "What causes prejudice?" He said "I'll answer in one word." What word was it?
Paul Lynde: Puerto Ricans.

Peter Marshall: Can you cross a pumpkin with a watermelon?
George Gobel: Yeah, but you're gonna end up with a jack-o-lantern with an afro.

Peter Marshall: You are married in India. How did you probably meet your spouse?
Paul Lynde: We were fighting over a lima bean.

Peter Marshall: When President Nixon was in Poland recently the Polish people kept shouting, "Stolat! Stolat! Stolat!" What does "Stolat" mean?
Paul Lynde: "Welcome, President Johnson!"

Peter Marshall: True or false. George Jessel has a 9 year old daughter.
Paul Lynde: False. It's his girlfriend.

Peter Marshall: Paul, is there such a thing as a female rooster?
Paul Lynde: Yeah, they just go "a doodle doo!"

Peter Marshall: Why do sheep sleep huddled up?
Paul Lynde: Because Little Boy Blue's a weirdo!

Peter Marshall: According to the old song, "At night, when you're asleep, into your tent I'll creep." Who am I?
Paul Lynde: The scoutmaster.

Peter Marshall: You've gone from egg, to larvae, to pupae. What's next?
Paul Lynde: A shave, a shower, and off to work!

Peter Marshall: Is it possible to drink too much water?
Paul Lynde: Yes, it's called “drowning”.

Peter Marshall: Burt Reynolds is quoted as saying, "Dinah (Shore)'s in top form. I've never known anyone to be so completely able to throw herself into a..." A what?
Paul Lynde: A headboard.

Peter Marshall: The average child in China learns how to do it at age three. The average child in America never learns. What?
Paul Lynde: Oh, sure - how to pull a rickshaw.

Peter Marshall: If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

Peter Marshall: In ancient times, after a battle, the losers would present the winners with a handful of grass. What did this symbolize?
Paul Lynde: The losers were Mexican.

Peter Marshall: According to The Book of Fairies , who is that creature who stands 14 inches tall, is 400 years old, and is dressed all in Lincoln green?
Paul Lynde: The Emperor Hirohito.

Peter Marshall: Paul, can anything bring tears to a chimp's eyes?
Paul Lynde: Finding out that Tarzan swings both ways.

Peter Marshall: Paul, the Rio Grande River seperates Texas and Mexico. What does "Rio Grande" mean in Spanish?
Paul Lynde: El Washing Machine.

Peter Marshall: Lana Turner recently said, "I won't do it because I haven't stopped living my life by a long shot." What won't she do?
Paul Lynde: The Merv Griffin show.

Peter Marshall: True or False -- A recent hearing in New Jersey, opponents of fluorinated water argue that too much fluorine in a persons system can cause an uncontrollable desire for sex?
Paul Lynde (shouting): HEY CULLIGAN MAN!

Peter Marshall: Diamonds should not be kept with your family jewels, why?
Paul Lynde: They're so cold.

Peter Marshall: You've got a secret. According to psychologists, if you're average, will you probably tell it to a man or to a woman?
Paul Lynde: If I tell it to a man, he might hit me.

Peter Marshall: Promethius was tied to the top of a mountain by the gods because he had given something to man. What did he give us?
Paul Lynde: I don't know what you got, but I got a sports shirt.

Peter Marshall: What are "dual purpose" cattle good for that other cattle aren't?
Paul Lynde: They give milk and cookies...but I don't recommend the cookies!

Peter Marshall: Nathan Hale, one of the heroes of the American Revolution, was hung. Why?
Paul Lynde: Heredity.

Peter Marshall: In the "Wizard of Oz," the lion wanted courage and the tin man wanted a heart. What did the scarecrow want?
Paul Lynde: The tin man to notice him.

Peter Marshall: In a famous fairy tale, a queen is bathing when a frog jumps out of the water and says, “Thy wish shall be fullfilled.” What was the queen’s wish?
Paul Lynde: She wanted the frog to talk dirty.

Peter Marshall: Can you get 12 pounds of feathers out of a goose?
Paul Lynde: I got them in there, didn't I?

Peter Marshall: Back in the 1870s, Emile Berliner invented something, and without it, I wouldn't be able to do my job. What was it?
Paul Lynde: Let's see...toupees? Facelifts? Contact lenses?
Marshall: Now cut that out!
Lynde: ...Makeup? Capped teeth? Loud sports jackets?
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[Jimbo Gomez]

Peter Marshall: True or false...in Egypt, they grow a special kind of cotton that is multi-colored.
Paul Lynde: And white people have to pick it!

hahahahahahaha

that's a good one

[wintermute]

It has to be said . . . Lynde was one of us.


Jim Goad's Netjerk Lounge (http://72.14.207.104/search?q=cache:7JdGC0y14_UJ:www.jimgoad.com/cgi-bin/yabb/YaBB.cgi%3Fboard%3Dnews%3Baction%3Dprint%3Bnum%3D1065689003+jews+%22paul+lynde%22+skip+&hl=en&gl=us&ct=clnk&cd=3)


This news should delight you...I've just found out that one of the most beloved TV Icons of the swingin' 60's and 70's was a rabid Jew blamer...old center square daisy, himself, the acid tongued but fabulous, Paul Lynde... here's an excerpt from a recent Hollywood autobiography penned by a bizarre little hunchbacked fag named Skip E. Lowe who is best known for his cheesy cable access celebrity interview show( which served as the inspiration for Martin Short's Jiminy Glick character). Skippy remembers...

"As a guzzler, Paul Lynde was one of the bitterest men on the planet, but sober, he was as decent a human being as you'd ever meet. But drunk or sober there was one topic that turned him ugly. Paul Lynde was a despicable anti-semite. He hated Jews. For a long time he didn't know I was Jewish, he thought that I was 100% Italian.

I'd tell him to stop being so rude and ignorant,but he just kept on with the same sick Jew-bashing, "Hollywood's run by the fucking hook-noses. The Jews own this town, Skippy. Everything's controlled by them."

One day, sick of all his hateful ranting, I cornered him and made him listen, "Paul, I'm Jewish."

He refused to believe it," Oh fuck you, Mary. You're no Jew! I can spot those big-nosed fucks a mile away."

"Oh, yes I am, Paul. My mother's Jewish. Youre talking to a Jew, Paul, A real live Jew!"

When I finally convinced him I was Jewish, he completely changed toward me. That sorry-assed bigot wouldn't even look in my direction after that.

Paul wanted to be a bigger star, and he blamed his career problems and alcoholism on the Jews. Everything was the Jew's fault ."

http://www.angelfire.com/md/newstrek/images/lynde.jpg

WM

[il ragno]

"For a long time he didn't know I was Jewish, he thought that I was 100% Italian....


....because I told him I was. Funny how I didn't correct him the first time it came up, bu-u-t...business is business, and we're in the whatever you're buying is what we're selling today business. And now that he's dead and I've violated his confidences in me and betrayed him, business is completed."

[Stanley]

"Hollywood's run by the fucking hook-noses. The Jews own this town, Skippy. Everything's controlled by them."Only a bitter, drunken, hate-filled old queer could possibly believe such a thing.

I wonder how many people in Hollywood would agree with him?

[Kodos]

Hollywood indeed used to be run by jews as all 5 of the original studios were founded by jews. They don't own every production company anymore.

[President Camacho]

Hollywood indeed used to be run by jews as all 5 of the original studios were founded by jews. They don't own every production company anymore.Listen to a jew himself:
Do Jews Run Hollywood?

You bet they do--and what of it?

by Ben Stein


"Hollywood is run by Jews; it is owned by Jews--and they should have a greater sensitivity about the issue of people who are suffering. Because...we have seen...the greaseball, we've seen the Chink, we've seen the slit-eyed dangerous Jap, we have seen the wily Filipino, we've seen everything but we never saw the kike. Because they knew perfectly well, that that is where you draw the [line]."
--Brando on Larry King Live

A few days after Marlon Brando scandalized the airwaves by referring to the Jews who worked in Hollywood as "kikes," I got a call from an editor at 60 Minutes. The woman wanted to know how I felt about Brando's use of words and his allegation that Hollywood is "run by Jews."

She suggested the desired answer by noting that her researchers had conclusively proven that Jews do not run Hollywood.

Crafty 60 Minutes had studied the top slots in town. Their research showed that "only" about 60 percent of the most important positions in Hollywood were run by Jews. What did I think?

I managed to disqualify myself by saying that while Hollywood was not really "run" by anyone (it's far too chaotic for that), if Jews were about 2.5 percent of the population and were about 60 percent of Hollywood, they might well be said to be extremely predominant in that sector.

That was far too logical and un-PC an answer, and I never heard from her again.

But Jews are a big part of my thoughts (as they are of every Jew's thoughts). Plus, I live and struggle in Hollywood, so the combination intrigues me. What exactly is the role of the Jew in Hollywood? More to the point, what does it signify, if anything, if Jews have a big role? And, most interesting of all, why do we care?

First, it is extremely clear to anyone in Hollywood that Jews are, so to speak, "in charge" in Hollywood in a way that is not duplicated in any other large business, except maybe garments or scrap metal or folding boxes.

At mighty Paramount, the controlling stockholder is Sumner Redstone. Head of the studio is Jon Dolgen. Head of production is Sherry Lansing--all members of the tribe.

The kings of New HollywoodAt titanic Disney, the CEO is Michael Eisner, the world's most assimilated Jew, who might as well be a Presbyterian. Deputy head is Michael Ovitz, karate champ but also a Jew. Head of the studio is Joe Roth.

At newly energized ICM, the top dogs are Jeff Berg and Jim Wiatt. At still overwhelming CAA, Jack Rapke and other members of my faith predominate. At William Morris, Jon Burnham and other Jews are, by and large, in the power positions.

This has always been true in Hollywood. The ex-furriers who created Hollywood were Eastern European Jewish immigrants, and all of the great edifice of fantasy-making in Hollywood is their handiwork. Names like Zukor and Lasky and Goldwyn and Cohn are the foundation of mass culture in America and the world.

There is a much quoted note that it took all these Eastern European Yiddish-speaking Jews to create the lasting, worldwide image of America and what America is--the mass culture mirror that America likes to hold up to its face. Then he does go on to say that Hollywood is getting a little more diverse these days, though jews are still on top. Also, he says,
The only possible significance of whether Hollywood is run by Jews or not must have to do with whether or not the product comes out "Jewish," or in some way different from the way it would if it were made solely by gentiles.

Really, the point is even a little uglier than that. The only real reason why the question of whether Jews "run" Hollywood is at all interesting is because there is some residual thought--apparently as was in the mind of Marlon Brando--that Jews are sinister and alien.

Kike is a low Polish word meaning the nastiest, most alien connotation of Jew. That would mean that the Jewish product of Jewish Hollywood would be somehow subversive in some way. This would be akin to Wagner's notion that Jews had polluted and ruined German music with their innately subversive sensibility.

This is a thought so bizarre and even comical to anyone familiar with Hollywood that it merits laughter more than fear. Yes, of course, the Hollywood product is made mostly by Jews. But these Jews are in love with America. "In love with America"... uh huh, okay...

I take issue with this later part too:
I marvel that when people criticize the auto industry for making trucks that catch fire when they are struck and cars that turn over on a turn, no one ever says "the gentile auto industry." No one calls the pharmaceutical industry sinister or attacks it as alien even though it turns out a lot of pills that addict people. As far as I can recall, Hollywood, and only Hollywood, gets the treatment as being somehow sinister and alien.Ummm... first of all, disregarding the ironic fact that the pharmecuetical industry often is derided as sinister, the reason why Hollywood is lambasted like this is because their product is intentional. I'm amazed that Stein would say something so stupid... the automotive industry, for example, doesn't try to cause car crashes; in fact they are rewarded for making their cars safer when demand for them increases. But there is nothing "accidental" about what comes out of Hollywood, or the effects that their product causes.

Link (http://www.eonline.com/Features/Specials/Jews/index6.html)

[President Camacho]

http://img127.imageshack.us/img127/6169/mosesdanielhigginss4zb.jpg (http://imageshack.us)

[Kodos]

Crafty 60 Minutes had studied the top slots in town. Their research showed that "only" about 60 percent of the most important positions in Hollywood were run by Jews. What did I think?

Im more interested in who owns the big studios and production companies then the lower ranking jobholders though, in the 1920's all hollywood studios were owned by jews lock stock and barrel this is a matter of absolute historical fact( when ironically most movies had reactionary themes blatant racial stereotypes etc etc...). I'd like to see the breakdown now.

[il ragno]

Weikel, before you go any further, you ought to know that it's very difficult -almost impossible - to convert to Judaism. No matter how many fan letters you write.

[Petr]

Weikel, before you go any further, you ought to know that it's very difficult -almost impossible - to convert to Judaism. No matter how many fan letters you write.
Tell that to Khazars. :p


Petr

[Kamandi]

Weikel, before you go any further, you ought to know that it's very difficult -almost impossible - to convert to Judaism. No matter how many fan letters you write.
Bunk - anyone can convert. A year from now, Ragno, you could be hosting the Binai Brith's Purim Carnival in Crown Heights.

[Kodos]

Weikel, before you go any further, you ought to know that it's very difficult -almost impossible - to convert to Judaism. No matter how many fan letters you write.

I don't want to get refuckingcircumsised Ragno.

[il ragno]

Hey, 'Mute, I see ya on the viewing list - you remember that long article about the English woman who had to go through the torments of hell - to the point she eventually became cured of the idea altogether - trying to convert to Shmuelism?

[Petr]

Hey, 'Mute, I see ya on the viewing list - you remember that long article about the English woman who had to go through the torments of hell - to the point she eventually became cured of the idea altogether - trying to convert to Shmuelism?
Just nitpicking, but I think that was a case of converting into a real-deal, hard-core, old-school Orthodox Judaism. Joining into sell-out mainstream sets like Reform Judaism should not be hard at all.


Petr

[Stanley]

I have a relative who wanted to convert to Judaism. (God told her to -- she's paranoid schitzophrenic) The Hassidics, of all people, were willing to accept her. She hasn't gone through with it yet. I tell myself it could have been worse; she could have joined up with some Messiah like David Koresh or Jim Jones.

[wintermute]

Hey, 'Mute, I see ya on the viewing list - you remember that long article about the English woman who had to go through the torments of hell - to the point she eventually became cured of the idea altogether - trying to convert to Shmuelism?

IR,

That woman was Weikel.

Wintermute

[il ragno]

You may be right at that. I figure Weikel's just trying to beat the rush by warehousing a thousand apology letters to Jews disguised as "posts" now, before he can actually offend any.

[Kodos]

That woman was Weikel.

I'm not the one with a fawn avatar( mine is a mighty Ur Quan).